After reflecting on my handmade ragdoll shop ‘tinkadoodle’ in my last post, I was reminded of something that matters a great deal – the difference between what is my truth, & true to me, & what is a story I am telling myself, that I imagine will look good to others, or give the impression I ‘know’ what I am doing.
The truth is something only I can know, feel in my body, & the ‘stories’ are what I learnt to create for everyone else. Reflecting on it, with ‘tinkadoodle’ ragdolls I realized I had defaulted control to other people telling me ‘how to’, learning a language that made me sound like I knew what I was doing – in theory – but the truth was I felt like a total misfit! I tried to adapt myself to fit their commercial model – but it was all wrong – for me. My creative enterprise wasn’t connected / aligning to me – the heart of the person who created it – because I was listening to others too much, & believing their stories. By applying a commercial viewpoint onto my creative enterprise, it was robbed of the spirit it was created in – to share it with others, to spread the love I had for it to others. I tried to adapt myself & my creation to fit the expectation I should commercialize it and make money. BIG MISTAKE. I can see now that I should have had more faith & confidence in myself & how I wanted my creation to be in the world. At the time I simply didn’t know the difference, or have the self knowledge & confidence in myself that I do now. Being a ‘business’ isn’t my path, creating is. And simply sharing whatever I create.
So for the last two weeks I rewrote ‘project vw’ so many times I lost count! Despite feeling quite frustrated & fed up with it – I kept rewriting ‘project vw’ until I felt I had gotten to the heart of what is the truth for me – where it wasn’t an invented / imagined story to make me look good, or sound like I ‘know’ what I’m doing – for everyone else out there – but told a story that was truthful to me, in a simple language that gets to the heart of things that are important to me – communicated in my own way, so it actually speaks directly to me – & feel in my body! My mind, & other people, can tell me other ‘stories’ to distract me from it, but I cannot avoid how my body feels when I am aware of what’s true for me – it’s the best lie detector EVER!!!
Truthfully, I don’t know how things will turn out for me, but I do know I am on my own path now, & seeking my own answers. I can only claim to know what is best for me, & accept this pathway I feel my way along – seek out – that I know is my own.
Yet I am reluctant to fully claim it, perhaps because it is so everyday ordinary! It isn’t a curated ‘show’ like you see in a movie, it’s an individual person standing in the space of the world – feeling her place among it – & stumbling along daily – reminding herself it can’t be rushed! That’s where I am at. Content. Scared of all the unknown things to come. Feeling ok that I’m doing it alone, yet knowing I am not actually alone either!
Vicky xxx
